best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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