apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
