I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
