I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
