2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
