I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
