I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
