Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
