I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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