got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
