everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
