Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
