I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
