so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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