Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How external is "for external use only"?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
