So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There r osticjed everywhere
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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