White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
