You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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