life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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