that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
