I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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