I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
