I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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