I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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