When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
