Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
