Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
