If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
