I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
