I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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