Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
