He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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