I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
