my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
