Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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