I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
