Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
