Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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