i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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