is your mom at the bar?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
