Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
