The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
