what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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