the condom got lost in my hair
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
