Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
