last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
