Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
