i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
