Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
