Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Randomize
