After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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