so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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