I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
